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20171028 – Halloween party – Erika, Elaine, Clio – (by Chuck) – 26543295_10155471293753821_526114659_o
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Image by Claire CJS
Erica’s Teela costume (from HeMan) was pretty awesome, as were the experiences of attending this party.

Up until a drunk DJ Mike Kangal sexually assaulted Carolyn with his unwanted non-consensual ass groping, which she never received an apology for. And then J.W. with her appeals to not tell the host about the violation until after the party (incredibly shitty advice–which I criticized vehemently later–which resulted in J.W. later making a huge scene at a MakePeace party, holding Clio hostage, and screaming in her face multiple times "If you want to be a woman, grow some fuckin’ tits! I’ll show you how estrogen works!", because Clio dare criticized her for her incredibly shitty advice). So anyway, after J.W.’s shitty advice that later resulted in transphobic screaming in Clio’s face, Carolyn finally found Clio, and Clio insisted, "We haveto report this right away. The first thing people say to discount sexual assault victims is ‘Why didn’t you report it sooner?’ So let’s find the host RIGHT NOW". And we did. As we "filed" our "report", Clio was hyperventilating, trying her best to stay calm and avoid Mike in order to avoid further confrontation. (DJ Kangal also went into a drunk yelling tirade at a DIFFERENT girl who he THOUGHT was the one who reported him, with her later chiding him for how incredibly shitty he was.)

#MeToo

Further confounding things: When Evan violated peoples’ consent, he was forced by the host to leave the party for being drunk. When Kangal violated peoples’ consent, the host protected him with "He’s too drunk to kick out". Completely and utterly inconsistent.

#MeToo

So the party unfortunately turned out to be a huge nexus of drama. Friends became enemies that night; enemies became friends that night. Clio was a perfect angel, never making a scene, never starting a fight with the person who groped her wife’s ass, and actually spending most of her time with four people she had previously defriended! All but one have now been refriended.

But none of that mattered. A week later, the hosts of the party summarily blocked both of us without explanation or further answer to requests for clarification. Why? We don’t know. We assume it is because we did not follow the Unwritten Rulebook Of How Sexual Assault Victims Must Behave, combined with a dash of sexism and transphobia.

Why is that our conclusion? Well, our 3rd-to-last non-trivial interaction was the host sending me a Facebook private message professing that they valued the friendship of Carolyn & I, which was one of our oldest, clocking in at about 10 years. The 2nd-to-last non-trivial interaction with the host was them OPENLY LAUGHING at their first glimpse of Clio, presenting female (this wasat the fetish ball 3 days before Clio came out as trans). That was a humiliating and anxiety-creating experience that only made Clio feel worse about her coming out anxiety, and unsupported by her old friend. It gave Clio pause, but she tried to ignore the laughing incident. And then there was the party, the sexual assault, and us being blocked with no explanation.

#MeToo

We simply can’t think of a single experience in our life that felt more like oppressive rape culture, where a perpetrator is deliberately protected, and the victims ousted for being victims. Sprinkle it with the laughing at Clio’s female presentation, and suddenly it seems like the whole friendship was some kind of dishonest lie. The whole incident was a huge component in Clio having suicidal thoughts for the first time in her life around Christmas (along with Clio’s father’s shitty behavior, and other #MeToo fallout).

#MeToo

Suffice to say, it’s incredibly disheartening to find out that one’s friends who virtue signal having a moral compass about consent … Actually have no moral compass about consent whatsoever, to the point of protecting a sexual assault perpetrator.

#MeToo

And of course we know how things played out behind the scenes. Of COURSE we know about the new secret group. Of COURSE we know that the parties didn’t actually stop. Of COURSE we know about the "votes" against us. Of COURSE we know some of the stuff that’s been said behind our back. Of COURSE we know how different reasons for their block have been told to different people (including: It was actually because I’m argumentative {but only after sexual assault & gender transition was that an issue}; It was actually because I’m not friends with people I used to be friends with {but only after sexual assault & gender transition was this an issue, despite the host having regularly blasted and bragged about their own defriending}).

We’re not buying any of those explanations… We know that the consent violation & gender transition were the only real things that happened between "you’re our friend" and "now you’ve blocked us". And the reason we’ve heard some of the hosts’ private explanations is that people thought it was a shitty thing to do, and thus many mutual friends spilled the beans in our direction as to what’s been said behind our back about us.

And of COURSE we know that the sexual assaulter is still protected and welcomed by the hosts, and their continuing parties with their new secret facebook group–While us, the victims, got blocked.

Just Remember: Your friends are rarely who you think they are. You don’t know someone’s true colors until you (or they) have some kind of crisis. It was soooo shitty for us to lose close friends right when Clio needed their support the most — a mere month after coming out as trans. So yeah. Those people aren’t good friends, and you might want to be wary of their space. If that’s how they treat 10 year friends who report consent violations, then you can’t report consent violations if you want to remain friends with them. Or you need to follow an unwritten playbook. Thus, if consent violation in this space comes with repercussions, then their space should not be considered a safe one regarding issues of consent. The end.

#MeToo

#MeToo

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Transition Progress at this point: On hormones since 8/1 (3 months), full-time female since 9/15 (6 weeks), publicly out as trans since 10/11 (2 weeks). Boobs sore/growing since 9/4 (7 weeks). Had seen endocrinologist/primary therapist 3X, and concluded secondary therapy after 7 sessions w/2 therapists. Weight down to 141lbs (56lbs down from 2012’s 197). Hair removal includes 18 electrolysis treatments totaling 14.25 hours; 25 laser hair removal sessions (41 area treatments: 12 mouth, 11 face/neck, 7 chest/armpit, 6 leg, 5 Brazilian, 4 ear); and bi-weekly at-home IPL on arms since 6/17 (4 months). Latisse for eyelash lengthening since 4/17 (6 months). 2 dental implants. Pierced ears. Dyed/layered hair (no haircuts for 2.75yrs–since 1/2015). Female wardrobe replacement was up to 203 items. Total transition expenditures were over ,000 at this point.

Clio, Elaine, Erica, Robin, Teela.
sitting, sitting on lap.
Sexy Robin costume, Teela costume, sidekick, superhero, sword.
cartoon: He-Man.

Paul J’s house, Sterling, Virginia.

October 28, 2017.
Pic by Chuck Burke.

… Read my blog at clintjcl at wordpress dot com

Simple Steps To Foot Pain Relief
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Image by Earthworm
Good information on feet and how to keep them in good working order. Call it the missing manual for feet.

I don’t have foot pain. I bought this book for Catherine who does, but I’m glad I read it. It offers some key concepts for my conversations with people about the shoes I make. And given me more context for looking at the foot problems of my clients which is often why their closets are so full of shoes.

I thought I had good strong feet from my largely barefoot upbringing and barefoot karate practice, but I was intrigued to discover that I could not lift the toe on my left foot as she directed. Your toes could be as agile as your fingers she points out. I haven’t had this thought since childhood. The toes ability to spread apart helps with balance. She also addresses alignment and gait. So I’ve spent some time mindfully walking to get my feet pointing straight ahead which actually means slightly pigeon toed since it is the sides of the foot that must be parallel. The way we walk is learned from our parents she points out. Who are likely influenced by fashion I might add.

Main takeaways of the book are that feet are not meant to be immobilized in shoes. It’s like putting them into a cast. You lose functionality by relying on a shoe for structure. Squishing the toes together hurts your balance, (though she does not mention how it also collapses the natural arch as I learned from other reading). And any heel at all will throw your weight onto the weaker bones of the front of the foot. A half inch heel just passably ok, but ideally the heal should be on the same plane as the ball of the foot; it is the way feet were made to operate.

This reference to the barefoot mode of our primitive ancestors is what gets Katy Bowman categorized as part of the Paleo trend—the cave man diet et al. (I would also like to note that the Paleo lifestyle trend is not an attempt to live like a caveman. That would just be too survivalist. It is merely a science-y back story meant to be integrated into a modernized mainstream normality of appliances, refrigeration and electricity.) As a biomechanist Katy Bowman does have science on her side which she is successfully bringing to the public with these reader friendly books. She suggests cutting the heals off your favorite shoes so you don’t have to give up your investment in fashion.

I was also intrigued by her description of what a bunion is. Again bunions are not genetic as people claim. They are caused by your walking style (and shoes) which is learned from your family so people think the condition is genetic. Bunions, corns and calluses are simply a response of the skin tissue to environmental conditions i.e. rubbing and hot spots. And because the surrounding skin is still soft a corn feels like you are walking on a small stone. The remedy is to get the rest of the foot to be equally callused. This gave me a whole new appreciation and perspective on feet especially my own thick skinned feet. Just the idea that your skin should be tough is radical in consumer culture. And that the skin of the foot is also communicating to the brain what kind of terrain is being crossed. I promptly started walking barefoot in the garden.

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